Monday, March 25, 2013

Creativity Thwarted

Another weekend is over. Saturdays are just out of the mix of getting anything done anymore. A ten to six shift will do that to you. So, nothing creative happened on Saturday. Sunday, I was planning to hem some pants for work this week, but again, it didn't happen. I went to see the movie "Oz- the Great and Powerful" It was quite good. I like how the movie is reminiscent of the original Wizard of Oz movie. The iconic set design and color/black and white were integrated into this tale, making it seem a true sequel. I really enjoyed it and am hoping that a sequel to the prequel is made, bridging the two story lines. The color was very well done, the contrasts which made each hue jump from the screen were breathtaking. No, I did not see it in 3D, but it would be an adventure.

Lately, there has been a great deal going on in my life that has been challenging. Not an illness or anything like that, just some challenging situations have been coming up and the only place I know to go and be with them is my tiny little room of ten x nine. That in and of itself is challenging. The basement studio area is a mess, as I had taken the sewing machine out and haven't had a chance to get to it yet. I am not motivated to go down there. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow.

I think I don't like a schedule where I never have two days in a row off. I find it very limiting. It is like never scheduling enough time to really enjoy a project, by always being interrupted. I like to schedule enough time to really enjoy what I am putting on my schedule. Once I get into it, I enjoy what I am doing, but being motivated to start. Ughhh! And only three more months here in the little cottage by the river. THEN WHAT!!!?  I don't even know what I want anymore! Better start to define it, or something important could be lost. Time to start taking a look at what there is to be grateful for before getting too caught up in the desire list.

Today I will be getting trained on new flooring at the shop. The bamboo, I believe. I am looking forward to that. I have new plans for Shelly's Design Studio website as well. The look will remain a bit the same, just new pages and it will be equipped to accept payment on certain items. Not all items will be available online, but some will. There needs to be more exploration of that. Tuesday maybe I will get something together there.

Time to go and hem up some pants, my least favorite thing to do. But then it must be done. One of these days, I want to make a skirt. One of these days......

 This is a bit of a whiny post, my apologies for that. I literally feel backed into a corner in so many areas of my life right now. Backed into a corner means that communication definitely has the potential to come out sideways!  (I feel very restricted these days, like my sacred boundaries are being challenged) I know I have been challenging for my housemate especially, to say the least! All of my energy is going to being on my best behavior at the store and, recently, with a house guest, it has been/is challenging at home as well! I feel like I always have to be on my best behavior, presentable. It is a small house!

 I have worked hard to project myself in a certain way to the world, to be respectful, knowledgable, helpful, kind, sharing. There has been a lot of giving going on for a long time and I have felt depleted and empty for a long time.  I haven't been giving to myself. I have not providing my own source of renewal and well being. That is something you can not get from another. It has to be sourced from within. I haven't been taking care of myself, emotionally, physically or spiritually. None of my grounding practices are intact any more. This well is dry. My creative water source has to be diverted through me, as a channel. Yes, that is the best way to describe it, I have stopped channeling me and trying to be what I think everyone else wants me to be. I have stopped creating myself. No wonder nothing creative is happening over here!

My relationship with myself is completely different than it was several years ago. One hundred and eighty degrees different. I don't know how I got here? I don't like being in this state of relationship with  myself. Today, I start to clear anything that is not me from my life. I feel like I have gotten rid of so much already, but there is more!

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